Superheros may choose to use their powers for good, but they still have to punch bad guys in the face sometimes.

Oh my oh my, it's been so long.
There's that old adage about writing when you're sad, and yes, I write more when there's more on my mind. But I also realized I write more when my nights end earlier, quiet, alone. There was a big outpouring of song this year to cover some of those feelings. But I've felt a lot brewing for the last few weeks, and it's had nowhere to jump out from. So here I am. Back again.
Today, I got some really infuriating news--the kind of news where no matter how hard I tried to put myself in someone else's shoes, I couldn't fit into their size 12 malicious to imagine a human being capable of doing what they are attempting... I simply couldn't understand it.
Those of you who really know me know that it's hard for me to hold onto anger for very long. My most recent song says, "Some say that I appreciate the whole. Some say I seem too falsely in control. I know it's just a waste of time to dwell. No matter the crime, I still will wish you well." And most of the time, it's true.
I cringe when I hear someone wish ill upon someone else.
It hurts me when I hear someone described simply as "a piece of shit."
Or when someone says someone deserves something awful.
Or when someone says they want to hurt someone.
Or when someone simply holds a grudge.
But after the cringe and the hurt, I take a breath, and I forgive.
And today, when I got this news, the anger came... I felt it... I processed it... And it didn't leave... at which point I started to get frustrated with myself for holding onto negativity.
Which brings me to this post--Put here a little bit as an attempt for me to release the rest of the knot. And put here mostly because it brought to light just how comfortable some people are with anger and just how uncomfortable I am with it. For even when I'm feeling it momentarily, I simply can't relate to people who run on the fuel of anger and spite.

I think it made me realize what a super pacifist I am. We are all humans. And I feel like there's so very little reason to hate and so great a reason to find peace. And I so greatly want peace that I usually find it nearly impossible to hold on to pure anger.
Today, I felt like I robot brought to life for the first time: What-is-this-feeling-it-feels-like-I-want-to-punch-person-but-that-does-not-compute.
In reality, it computes perfectly. Someone wants to hurt me. And anyone who wants to hurt anyone makes me upset. And anyone who wants to hurt a pacifist is just mean. And when that pacifist is me, it's just a big circle of humanitarian confusion.

This is not to paint me as superior, and it's certainly not to paint me as weak. It's just to say that I've never been able to make sense of war. Because I suppose the truth is, I have it in me. My own mother once told me that with my words, I could unite countries or tear them apart (paraphrased). I live with the ability to battle harder than most, but I'd rather kill with kindness than hurt a civilian...
Strength is two fold to me--the strength to survive, and the strength to refrain. Those are both beautiful. But the strength of bullies and violence is hard to swallow. Certainly from afar. And now, from up close. Killing with kindness is a kind of magic... until I realize that kindness can't always deliver the blow you need it to, which is what led me here, feeling less than equipped for the battle that should have been over if everyone would have just played by my marshmallow rules.

It will all be fine. I know it will. It's just a strange feeling to realize that not many people are like yourself... and to wonder if you should be frustrated with them, with you, both, or neither. Being able to let things go is a truly lovely quality, but it doesn't always move mountains. I realized that today. The thing is, it's been years since I realized I want to change the world.
As I feel the lingering tension leaving my body, I realize I simply have a new mission. I said that what I really want is to change the world. I now know that to do that, I need to reconcile my kindness with a little bit of boat rocking. (See title of post.) Yep. That's it.

: )