Awesome:
At the dog park today, I found out J.H. shares a lot of my opinions on the world--health care, dividing the country in two, etc. And if he and I feel that way, some other people do, too. And maybe we really can become the U.S. of Canada bordered by the Republic of Tea Party. It was good park time.
Suck:
Both J.H. and I expressed much general disappointment in the state of the world. There are many sucky people either not caring to make a difference or fighting against positive change.
And London, I am ashamed of you. As a democracy, you should know better than to stage violent protests. You have a governmental system that can handle your issues, and you have the responsibility to protest peacefully. You are not run by a dictator. You are not fighting for your lives. London, the last thing we need is more violence. Stop it.
Awesome:
I love the Whole Foods refrigerated cookie dough that bakes into warm, gooey goodness in 6 minutes. The powers that be stopped packaging it to sell that way. But--the lady at the bread counter said that if I call ahead from now on, they will happily box some up for me! Out of her way nice.
Suck: When I got home, I rode the elevator from the lobby to the basement before going up to 5. When I got down to the basement, I found that there is now a fitness center in our building. After months of new construction, not sharing her parking lot, disabling our entry code, etc., the B*&%! that bought our building built a gym and didn't bother to tell the renters about it.
Now somebody has a fridge full of organic food to eat...
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Random late night alone in the apartment thoughts...
--After an hour of dancing "The Farmer and the Cowman..." in MT dance class, the girl in the "Cats" shirt asks me, "What show is this from?" I'm not a MT history buff by any means, but really? I guess we've all gotta learn somehow.
--What is true presence in someone's life? Is it interest, reliability, giving equally, knowing without having to ask? I always say I value presence, but if the concept is so multi-faceted, does that set us up for disappointment? Or is it just that hard to find people who are truly and mutually there for each other? I think presence and love cross paths a few times on their separate journeys, and that connection is key when discussing presence. For if we relate the two, what does absence in general or of any of the facets above say?
--I'm realizing the down side of going public; I have to be pretty vague sometimes.
--I know some of you who read, and to everyone who is, I do love dialogue. I ask a lot of questions as I reason through things on here, and I invite you to answer my hypotheticals or tell me your similar stories... or just say hi. Whatever you want. If you want.
--Tomorrow brings a new potential. However it turns out, the potential is exciting.
--I love my puppy. I really do.
--What is true presence in someone's life? Is it interest, reliability, giving equally, knowing without having to ask? I always say I value presence, but if the concept is so multi-faceted, does that set us up for disappointment? Or is it just that hard to find people who are truly and mutually there for each other? I think presence and love cross paths a few times on their separate journeys, and that connection is key when discussing presence. For if we relate the two, what does absence in general or of any of the facets above say?
--I'm realizing the down side of going public; I have to be pretty vague sometimes.
--I know some of you who read, and to everyone who is, I do love dialogue. I ask a lot of questions as I reason through things on here, and I invite you to answer my hypotheticals or tell me your similar stories... or just say hi. Whatever you want. If you want.
--Tomorrow brings a new potential. However it turns out, the potential is exciting.
--I love my puppy. I really do.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Can you spare some change? (part 2)
I've been fascinated lately by the subject of change. Human change.
There are two blanket statements I've found our society likes to use:
1) "People don't change." You may know this phrase from relationship warnings: "He'll never change, so if you aren't happy with the way things are now, dear G-d, run as fast as you can in the other direction."
2) "I'm a completely different person than I was back then." You may know this phrase from running into old acquaintances in your post-grad years: "I'm a totally different person than I was back then. Remember that time I screamed at you in the sorority quad then threw up all over you and then told everyone you gave me the herp? Yeah--I've changed a lot since then."
Humor aside, it dawned on me recently that 1 and 2 directly conflict. And further, the mere knowledge that both 1 and 2 exist can complicate matters. Let's keep using relationship examples because they fit oh so well.
Let's say you're facing example #1. In deciding the fate of a relationship, you assume people don't change. But--you know about #2. So what about those cases where people do change? Should you let a person go so they can find someone else, and then you've lost this new awesomely changed version of the one you loved? Or there's the option to stick with someone, because knowing that #2 exists, you can assume that with hard work and good communication, the two of you can change enough to solve your problems and live happily ever after. But, what if only some parts can change, and the ones that need to change the most don't budge so easily? There's no way to predict that, so it looks like the #1-ers are having a tough time. You think you should leave, but if #2 is right at all, and people can grow into totally different people, you ask, "Is #1 bullshit?" But as a #1-er, you know that people don't change completely. That's what makes us... us. So deep, deep down, where it all begins, we don't change. We can't.
Now to our #2-ers. Let's say you believe that people can change, evolve, learn, mature, and can seem so different than they once were. You can choose to reconnect with an old friend or an old flame and feel like you're getting to know someone totally new but as familiar as home all at once. And what a treat that would be. Or, all of the things you liked about a person could be the changed bits, and the things you hated can be right where you left them. And don't forget that it may take a while to form an itemized list of all changes. And then of course, the knowledge of #1 could lead you to withhold that second chance. Sure, your old, crappy friend seems nice now, but remember how awful things were before? It's still the same face that hurt you; it's just shiny and gift wrapped now... maybe it's not worth it to try again knowing very well that #1 exists.
So can people change? And can we use either statement 1 or 2 to help us make life decisions?
Folks, this isn't a research paper, and so my answer is I have absolutely no idea. I've only gotten as far as, "Gee, isn't it weird that we think people don't change, and yet we can feel like different people than we were but a few years ago?"
Here's my truth. We can't decipher which parts of people have changed without a whole lot of effort, or without being that person. And even as ourselves, we may not be as perceptive to our own change as those who watch us go through it. And if we are aware, are we supposed to publicize how far we've come, what changes we've made? Sometimes, I personally would feel a little better running into people if I didn't think they still held me in their minds as the person I was when I last saw them. I was never a bad person by anyone's definition, but I know not everyone assumes we've all grown. Some assume, and some don't; some grow, and some don't.
So how do we reconcile our relationships with the knowledge of 1 and 2? In my example above of rekindling any kind of relationship, the outcome will rely not just on the first decision, but on a large amount of communication to figure out who the other one was, is, needs to be, etc. And don't forget to toss in a hefty amount of trust...
I suppose, after all of this reflection, I can say this: I believe that 1 and 2 are both true but not mutually exclusive. Each situation of change is as unique as we are, and knowing your 1's and 2's backwards and forwards can't prepare you for what comes next. There's no solution here. That isn't where this was going. It's simply interesting to me that our society can believe so easily and so strongly in two opposing ideas. We can believe in them both, at the same time, try to use them together, and our best bet may still lead us down what will turn out to be the wrong path. The awareness that I'll come to many decision points and not be able to follow logic or my heart is... weird.
But the fact is that someone changes their mind, just because. Someone has a big, giant epiphany. Someone breaks a habit and picks up a new one. So many forces create change--forces that come from within, and those that are sparked by something out of our hands. Toss in the issue of changing a behavior vs. deep down change, and maybe the real question is whether or not we can truly change voluntarily or whether we just evolve. I wonder if we have any control.
I suppose that figuring this out... or not... is just another part of this adventure. And so I will continue...
There are two blanket statements I've found our society likes to use:
1) "People don't change." You may know this phrase from relationship warnings: "He'll never change, so if you aren't happy with the way things are now, dear G-d, run as fast as you can in the other direction."
2) "I'm a completely different person than I was back then." You may know this phrase from running into old acquaintances in your post-grad years: "I'm a totally different person than I was back then. Remember that time I screamed at you in the sorority quad then threw up all over you and then told everyone you gave me the herp? Yeah--I've changed a lot since then."
Humor aside, it dawned on me recently that 1 and 2 directly conflict. And further, the mere knowledge that both 1 and 2 exist can complicate matters. Let's keep using relationship examples because they fit oh so well.
Let's say you're facing example #1. In deciding the fate of a relationship, you assume people don't change. But--you know about #2. So what about those cases where people do change? Should you let a person go so they can find someone else, and then you've lost this new awesomely changed version of the one you loved? Or there's the option to stick with someone, because knowing that #2 exists, you can assume that with hard work and good communication, the two of you can change enough to solve your problems and live happily ever after. But, what if only some parts can change, and the ones that need to change the most don't budge so easily? There's no way to predict that, so it looks like the #1-ers are having a tough time. You think you should leave, but if #2 is right at all, and people can grow into totally different people, you ask, "Is #1 bullshit?" But as a #1-er, you know that people don't change completely. That's what makes us... us. So deep, deep down, where it all begins, we don't change. We can't.
Now to our #2-ers. Let's say you believe that people can change, evolve, learn, mature, and can seem so different than they once were. You can choose to reconnect with an old friend or an old flame and feel like you're getting to know someone totally new but as familiar as home all at once. And what a treat that would be. Or, all of the things you liked about a person could be the changed bits, and the things you hated can be right where you left them. And don't forget that it may take a while to form an itemized list of all changes. And then of course, the knowledge of #1 could lead you to withhold that second chance. Sure, your old, crappy friend seems nice now, but remember how awful things were before? It's still the same face that hurt you; it's just shiny and gift wrapped now... maybe it's not worth it to try again knowing very well that #1 exists.
So can people change? And can we use either statement 1 or 2 to help us make life decisions?
Folks, this isn't a research paper, and so my answer is I have absolutely no idea. I've only gotten as far as, "Gee, isn't it weird that we think people don't change, and yet we can feel like different people than we were but a few years ago?"
Here's my truth. We can't decipher which parts of people have changed without a whole lot of effort, or without being that person. And even as ourselves, we may not be as perceptive to our own change as those who watch us go through it. And if we are aware, are we supposed to publicize how far we've come, what changes we've made? Sometimes, I personally would feel a little better running into people if I didn't think they still held me in their minds as the person I was when I last saw them. I was never a bad person by anyone's definition, but I know not everyone assumes we've all grown. Some assume, and some don't; some grow, and some don't.
So how do we reconcile our relationships with the knowledge of 1 and 2? In my example above of rekindling any kind of relationship, the outcome will rely not just on the first decision, but on a large amount of communication to figure out who the other one was, is, needs to be, etc. And don't forget to toss in a hefty amount of trust...
I suppose, after all of this reflection, I can say this: I believe that 1 and 2 are both true but not mutually exclusive. Each situation of change is as unique as we are, and knowing your 1's and 2's backwards and forwards can't prepare you for what comes next. There's no solution here. That isn't where this was going. It's simply interesting to me that our society can believe so easily and so strongly in two opposing ideas. We can believe in them both, at the same time, try to use them together, and our best bet may still lead us down what will turn out to be the wrong path. The awareness that I'll come to many decision points and not be able to follow logic or my heart is... weird.
But the fact is that someone changes their mind, just because. Someone has a big, giant epiphany. Someone breaks a habit and picks up a new one. So many forces create change--forces that come from within, and those that are sparked by something out of our hands. Toss in the issue of changing a behavior vs. deep down change, and maybe the real question is whether or not we can truly change voluntarily or whether we just evolve. I wonder if we have any control.
I suppose that figuring this out... or not... is just another part of this adventure. And so I will continue...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
...
I was drafting this big post about my New York adventures.
And then I found out.
And my heart broke a little.
In the spirit of his attitude, I will go on with the rest of my day, head back out into the city. But I can't lie--going down the street to get a manicure just seems a little frivolous right now.
I love you, M.
And then I found out.
And my heart broke a little.
In the spirit of his attitude, I will go on with the rest of my day, head back out into the city. But I can't lie--going down the street to get a manicure just seems a little frivolous right now.
I love you, M.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Can you spare some change? (part 1)
You know that first day you wake up after having the stomach flu, and you're suddenly aware of how amazing you can feel, just because it's morning, and your body is right again? That was me, Saturday morning. I trekked through the frigid wind to the gym to take my favorite yoga class of the week. It was wonderful as usual and left me feeling stretched and floaty all the way to Potbelly. Almost. As I approached the corner where I would get my lunch, a man with a sad, worn face asked for my attention.
"Ma'am," he said, "my wife and I are very hungry. I don't want any money. If you could just get us a couple pieces of pizza from the place over there..."
I am almost always happy to share food with the hungry. I'll hand over my to go box, get an extra order of fries to bring outside, etc. This man asked only for pizza. I thought about what it must be like to survive on greasy fast food, anything cheap that will keep you full long enough. I had a better idea. So I smiled, and said, "You know, I'm going into Potbelly to get some lunch. I can get you and your wife a sandwich."
Then it happened.
The man said, "No. I want pizza."
My brain attempted several times to process this.
I needed more time. I walked into Potbelly to get my food and think this over. But before I could get farther than the line, I noticed the man was behind me. He asked again for pizza. I reminded him that I offered to get him a sandwich and still would. He looked at me for a few seconds, then moved on to someone else.
The woman behind me in line gave me the sympathy eye. While we waited to order, we talked about the situation, and neither of us knew what to make of it.
See, I don't judge the homeless, and I don't ignore them. When I worked a day job in the loop, it pained me to see the man on his knees by the train, the one with the dog on Madison, the ones I saw every day. I see faces where some see inconvenience.
But suddenly, my moral balance was thrown.
On one hand, a man asked me for one thing, and I only offered him something different. Was I a bitch for only offering to help him conditionally? He still deserves his preferences even in a desperate situation. Maybe I shouldn't have been so insensitive or in such a hurry. Maybe I should have walked down the street to get him a damn slice of pizza.
On the other hand, a man asked for food, and without any question, I offered him a healthy, complete meal. Is someone in his situation really in a position to be that picky? Maybe so. He knows his situation better than I do. But is it right for him to ask for conditional help?
I know very well that in this case, questions of "should" and "right" have no answer...
I left Potbelly with my food, feeling very strange. Most exchanges with the homeless/hungry are simple: they ask, they do or do not receive, and we both move on. Never had I attempted generosity and ended up so confused. In fact, I started to feel the opposite of generous, for neither myself nor the man ended up feeling good about the exchange. But if the generous act had been dictated, it wouldn't have been an act of generosity, which is I think what stopped me from getting him pizza. Maybe the man's attitude had moved him from the 'asking nicely' category to the category of those who press for money, the ones that leave me uneasy because they warp the act of kindness.
But should that matter? Should my preference that the exchange be kind, should my morals have interfered in feeding the hungry? Me, who doesn't judge and does what she can... perhaps... judged and withheld?
We think our morals will get us through any situation, and they do--until they can't answer the question of what is right and wrong. Sometimes, something draws us in or turns us off, and we have to go with our gut to answer a question. And sometimes, there's more than an answer to a question at stake, and maybe then we're supposed to set aside our morals and just help each other through.
I still don't completely know what to make of the experience, and I don't know that I ever will. I don't know if I'd do things differently if I had the chance to do it again, and I don't know what I'd do if it happened again in the future. I think I'll just carry this one with me for a while and see where it leads...
"Ma'am," he said, "my wife and I are very hungry. I don't want any money. If you could just get us a couple pieces of pizza from the place over there..."
I am almost always happy to share food with the hungry. I'll hand over my to go box, get an extra order of fries to bring outside, etc. This man asked only for pizza. I thought about what it must be like to survive on greasy fast food, anything cheap that will keep you full long enough. I had a better idea. So I smiled, and said, "You know, I'm going into Potbelly to get some lunch. I can get you and your wife a sandwich."
Then it happened.
The man said, "No. I want pizza."
My brain attempted several times to process this.
I needed more time. I walked into Potbelly to get my food and think this over. But before I could get farther than the line, I noticed the man was behind me. He asked again for pizza. I reminded him that I offered to get him a sandwich and still would. He looked at me for a few seconds, then moved on to someone else.
The woman behind me in line gave me the sympathy eye. While we waited to order, we talked about the situation, and neither of us knew what to make of it.
See, I don't judge the homeless, and I don't ignore them. When I worked a day job in the loop, it pained me to see the man on his knees by the train, the one with the dog on Madison, the ones I saw every day. I see faces where some see inconvenience.
But suddenly, my moral balance was thrown.
On one hand, a man asked me for one thing, and I only offered him something different. Was I a bitch for only offering to help him conditionally? He still deserves his preferences even in a desperate situation. Maybe I shouldn't have been so insensitive or in such a hurry. Maybe I should have walked down the street to get him a damn slice of pizza.
On the other hand, a man asked for food, and without any question, I offered him a healthy, complete meal. Is someone in his situation really in a position to be that picky? Maybe so. He knows his situation better than I do. But is it right for him to ask for conditional help?
I know very well that in this case, questions of "should" and "right" have no answer...
I left Potbelly with my food, feeling very strange. Most exchanges with the homeless/hungry are simple: they ask, they do or do not receive, and we both move on. Never had I attempted generosity and ended up so confused. In fact, I started to feel the opposite of generous, for neither myself nor the man ended up feeling good about the exchange. But if the generous act had been dictated, it wouldn't have been an act of generosity, which is I think what stopped me from getting him pizza. Maybe the man's attitude had moved him from the 'asking nicely' category to the category of those who press for money, the ones that leave me uneasy because they warp the act of kindness.
But should that matter? Should my preference that the exchange be kind, should my morals have interfered in feeding the hungry? Me, who doesn't judge and does what she can... perhaps... judged and withheld?
We think our morals will get us through any situation, and they do--until they can't answer the question of what is right and wrong. Sometimes, something draws us in or turns us off, and we have to go with our gut to answer a question. And sometimes, there's more than an answer to a question at stake, and maybe then we're supposed to set aside our morals and just help each other through.
I still don't completely know what to make of the experience, and I don't know that I ever will. I don't know if I'd do things differently if I had the chance to do it again, and I don't know what I'd do if it happened again in the future. I think I'll just carry this one with me for a while and see where it leads...
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