I've been fascinated lately by the subject of change. Human change.
There are two blanket statements I've found our society likes to use:
1) "People don't change." You may know this phrase from relationship warnings: "He'll never change, so if you aren't happy with the way things are now, dear G-d, run as fast as you can in the other direction."
2) "I'm a completely different person than I was back then." You may know this phrase from running into old acquaintances in your post-grad years: "I'm a totally different person than I was back then. Remember that time I screamed at you in the sorority quad then threw up all over you and then told everyone you gave me the herp? Yeah--I've changed a lot since then."
Humor aside, it dawned on me recently that 1 and 2 directly conflict. And further, the mere knowledge that both 1 and 2 exist can complicate matters. Let's keep using relationship examples because they fit oh so well.
Let's say you're facing example #1. In deciding the fate of a relationship, you assume people don't change. But--you know about #2. So what about those cases where people do change? Should you let a person go so they can find someone else, and then you've lost this new awesomely changed version of the one you loved? Or there's the option to stick with someone, because knowing that #2 exists, you can assume that with hard work and good communication, the two of you can change enough to solve your problems and live happily ever after. But, what if only some parts can change, and the ones that need to change the most don't budge so easily? There's no way to predict that, so it looks like the #1-ers are having a tough time. You think you should leave, but if #2 is right at all, and people can grow into totally different people, you ask, "Is #1 bullshit?" But as a #1-er, you know that people don't change completely. That's what makes us... us. So deep, deep down, where it all begins, we don't change. We can't.
Now to our #2-ers. Let's say you believe that people can change, evolve, learn, mature, and can seem so different than they once were. You can choose to reconnect with an old friend or an old flame and feel like you're getting to know someone totally new but as familiar as home all at once. And what a treat that would be. Or, all of the things you liked about a person could be the changed bits, and the things you hated can be right where you left them. And don't forget that it may take a while to form an itemized list of all changes. And then of course, the knowledge of #1 could lead you to withhold that second chance. Sure, your old, crappy friend seems nice now, but remember how awful things were before? It's still the same face that hurt you; it's just shiny and gift wrapped now... maybe it's not worth it to try again knowing very well that #1 exists.
So can people change? And can we use either statement 1 or 2 to help us make life decisions?
Folks, this isn't a research paper, and so my answer is I have absolutely no idea. I've only gotten as far as, "Gee, isn't it weird that we think people don't change, and yet we can feel like different people than we were but a few years ago?"
Here's my truth. We can't decipher which parts of people have changed without a whole lot of effort, or without being that person. And even as ourselves, we may not be as perceptive to our own change as those who watch us go through it. And if we are aware, are we supposed to publicize how far we've come, what changes we've made? Sometimes, I personally would feel a little better running into people if I didn't think they still held me in their minds as the person I was when I last saw them. I was never a bad person by anyone's definition, but I know not everyone assumes we've all grown. Some assume, and some don't; some grow, and some don't.
So how do we reconcile our relationships with the knowledge of 1 and 2? In my example above of rekindling any kind of relationship, the outcome will rely not just on the first decision, but on a large amount of communication to figure out who the other one was, is, needs to be, etc. And don't forget to toss in a hefty amount of trust...
I suppose, after all of this reflection, I can say this: I believe that 1 and 2 are both true but not mutually exclusive. Each situation of change is as unique as we are, and knowing your 1's and 2's backwards and forwards can't prepare you for what comes next. There's no solution here. That isn't where this was going. It's simply interesting to me that our society can believe so easily and so strongly in two opposing ideas. We can believe in them both, at the same time, try to use them together, and our best bet may still lead us down what will turn out to be the wrong path. The awareness that I'll come to many decision points and not be able to follow logic or my heart is... weird.
But the fact is that someone changes their mind, just because. Someone has a big, giant epiphany. Someone breaks a habit and picks up a new one. So many forces create change--forces that come from within, and those that are sparked by something out of our hands. Toss in the issue of changing a behavior vs. deep down change, and maybe the real question is whether or not we can truly change voluntarily or whether we just evolve. I wonder if we have any control.
I suppose that figuring this out... or not... is just another part of this adventure. And so I will continue...
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