Since surgery, I had been looking forward to Saturday. Saturday would bring two showers--my first since surgery and one to celebrate the upcoming wedding of some dear friends. My personal shower was fairly uneventful except for the fact that I still had a bandage on my nose and had to dodge the sprays of water that came too close. It was good to be up and around, though, getting dressed in real clothes and going outside on a beautiful day. I was still in pain and Norcoed up, so Han drove me and JHo up north to the celebration. Even the bandaged, slightly out of it girl can say that it was a beautiful event. That pretty much took everything I had on Saturday. I left a little early and went directly home to my friend, Mr. Couch. I watched the Belmont and then promptly began the napping and relaxation portion of the night.
Since I did pretty well on Saturday, I decided I'd try my first trip to the dog park on Sunday. I spent most of the way there trying to get Blitz to stop pulling and most of my time at the park sitting on the highest perch, ready to fend off any jumpers. It was again nice to be out and feeling the normalcy beginning to return. Sunday evening, some of the Cat siblings + adorable nephew came over. Han had some more grilling fun, and we all watched the Tonys. It was very sweet of them to come over and great to have them around.
Still throughout the weekend, I found myself exhausted after each event. I still felt like I was walking around with a bad head cold and a nagging headache, and I was getting more and more antsy to get my splints out at my first follow-up appointment... which finally, finally brings us to Monday.
My first follow-up appointment with both surgeons was scheduled for Monday morning. But as I was getting ready to go, I'd have to face one milestone--my first sneeze. I'd been told before surgery that if I had to sneeze, I should just open my mouth. But the feeling hadn't crept up until Monday morning, and when I felt the point of no return, I fearfully braced myself for the pain. "A-choo!" And... it was fine. Yeah, I know--sorry to let you down. It was a big relief, though!
So my wonderful mother came downtown again to drive me and for moral support. We got to the hospital, and on the way up the elevator, a woman looked at me and said, "You have a really cute nose!" I thanked her. I'm sure she probably thought I'd had the whole thing done and was trying to be nice--and it was nice. And it was funny considering I was still quite swollen. I guess my nose looks good puffy.
Anyway, Dr. Dimples came in first. He said I looked great and pulled off my outer bandage. He also recapped for me that the surgery had gone perfectly--and he still didn't believe me that I had indeed felt the difference right after surgery. I'll skip a lot of the gore of cleaning out my nose with the various rinse and suction and tweezy tools to get ready for the splint removal. I will say that while it wasn't pleasant, it wasn't bad. Dr. Dimples told me that he'd just done the same to a man older than me--the man was a big baby while I did great. There was nothing left to do but get those splints out. First, he pulled out the stitch that was holding them in place. Then, he reached in to grip the first one. I felt it sliding down, down, down, until this gigantic piece of plastic was butterflying open in front of my face. It was huge! If you're the curious type, go to YouTube and search "nasal splint removal." The plastic sits against the septum and arches in the nose, so it all fits in there just fine. But the way in unfurls is just really shocking and cool. That's the only way I can describe it. Anyway, the first side was out, and I felt the shock of cold air rushing in and out like a windstorm. Time for the other side. The splint slid out, opened up, and so did my head...
If you wear glasses or contacts, you know what it's like to get a new prescription and look at the leaves on the trees and realize you're seeing details you'd been missing. This is what I felt to some infinite degree. When both splints were out, I breathed in and out, in and out, through just my nose. And perhaps this is what all normal people feel. But it felt like my nostrils went from stirring straws to tree trunks, and the amount of air going in and out felt so smooth and so full. And I could hear it... echoing. In fact, I could hear myself echoing. For the last who knows how many years, I've been hearing myself in my head from the bottom of my nose down. But suddenly, I could hear with my whole head from my cheeks up through my forehead. It sounded as if someone built an echo chamber in the middle of my head. And I mean, I guess they did (or at least they returned it). But it felt to me like someone added another dimension, another sense. It was truly thrilling to feel and hear and speak. And I knew this was the resonance I had been missing. All that open space I was feeling and the amount of myself I was hearing was the heaven I'd been hoping for.
Dr. Dimples asked me how I felt. I said, "I can hear myself from here (holding my hands to my cheeks) up!" I smiled to my mom excitedly. And then I immediately told Dr. Dimples that I also felt incredibly light headed. Yes, I'd been tougher than the guy before me, but that great adrenaline surge of hanging in there through the digging around and splint removal had sent me to fight or flight land. So he tilted my chair down further and placed a cool compress on my forehead. Within a couple minutes, we were back to work cleaning everything out. Dr. Dimples explained to me that my nose would shrink wrap down to normal size after a bit of time, and before I knew it, he was shaking my hand and telling me he'd see me in six weeks.
Dr. Amazing came in right as Dr. Dimples was finishing. He asked me how I felt, and I excitedly explained how amazing I was feeling already. I told him how my few days had gone, he reviewed how his part of the surgery had gone. And since nobody had gotten to speak to him after surgery, I thought to ask, "So... just how much space were you able to make? A good amount?"
"I'd say... you have about eight times more space."
Floored.
I mean... floored.
"Eight times? Eight times?"
I don't really remember what happened next because I was somewhere in dreamland.
But I do know that Dr. Amazing continued to explain that things had gone fantastically and that the result would make a significant difference. He had more instructions to give me which he did in his usual kind and detailed way. Finally, I asked him when I could sing. He made a sort of shrugging gesture as if to say, "Right here and now if you want." I probably thanked him a few more times before he also told me to see him in six weeks. But in my head, I was already out the door, back to my place, singing every piece of music I own.
Since I was feeling so good, Mom and I went to meet JPL for lunch. All the way there in the car, I hummed to myself, getting to know the new sounds of my new space. I'd hummed a bit during the week, but more to check how my cords were feeling after intubation. In the car, I started to sing just a little. I think I asked my mom a dozen times if I sounded any different. She reassured me that I still sounded just like myself. And as for me, I could already feel the difference, that just those little bursts in the car... they were easier...
Lunch was great. My mom was having fun looking at me because the swelling in my nose concealed my bump almost completely, so my nose looked straighter and wider as well. So my mom and I looked even more alike than usual--she got a kick out of it, as did JPL and I. JPL brought baked goods and an awesome "to read while you're sitting on your butt" gift--a music business book to help me plan out some next steps to take with my music. We ate and visited, and then it was time to go pick up Blitz from the groomer. He was beautiful and a full dogs worth of hair smaller (after a big spring shed). And then it was time. I asked my mom if she'd stay just a bit longer to play through some songs with me--our version of partying it up.
I can't even remember what I sang first. I started with the four songs I chose to get me through the last of the pre-surgery auditions. I warmed up a bit, and then we just plowed through the songs. It was amazing. What I felt was so foreign but exactly how I'd described singing my whole life until the last couple of years. All I had to do was open my mouth. And there was the sound. I didn't have to maneuver each note. I didn't have to think or push or save. It just came out. And it felt like nothing--in the best possible way. I didn't feel the pressure on my cords or the air running out. I felt the sound ringing through my whole head, through my nose... I turned the pages through my music book asking my mom to just play a little of this one with the high legit note, or just one more belty piece. She reminded me not to push it. I wouldn't. I just had to do enough to get a little tour of what I had to work with... It was like being reunited with a lost love...
When I was a kid auditioning, I used to hear the same thing over and over again. They would always be surprised that such a big sound came out of such a little girl. So effortlessly.
Finally, after the whirlwind of singing and celebrating and wows from mom, I turned to her again.
"So, can you hear any difference, or is the difference just how I feel?"
I didn't care what her answer was. The important part is how I feel, that I'm healthy. Sure, the result will sound better, with more resonance, no more wonky notes, more endurance. But I wasn't looking for her to give a yes or no. I was just curious if she could hear just how big the difference was that I was feeling.
"Well," she said.
"You sound like you... but..." She placed her hand to the ear I'd been closer to.
"You're definitely louder."
So as it turns out, that Monday, I almost deafened my mother, but we both smiled.
There's still a little more to my story, but at least I finally reached the punchline! : )
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